Complaints Log

If we couldn't complain where would we be?

                                                                 Never Forget The Perils of Sarah Boone...

                                                                 "DO NOT DENY THE CRINKLE"

Men shouldn't cry

There has been a recent spate of news reports (worryingly written by women I might add) suggesting that to cry is not masculine and therefore men should not do it.

Yes...I suppose they shouldn't bleed either should they?..lets consider what this could mean...

Men should not cry. - Dictated by RT Dick

"Men should not cry because it makes them big wussy pants. In fact, it actually makes them women. Yes, it really does. When a man cries his penis becomes so shocked that it crawls back inside of his body to become a form of vagina. Men's tears are also highly toxic. Just one could kill an elephant. It is also a known fact that should men cry, the universe will implode. This possibly being the most worrying of issues. Therefore men, I implore you, cease your crying and be real men!"

posted by: Badger at 08/07/08 15:12 | link | comments |

Make-up?

The make up problem:

Its good to feel good about yourself
Women wear make up to feel good about themselves
Make up makes them feel good about themselves... because it makes them feel attractive
It makes them feel attractive... because they feel more men will fancy them


this worries me.

posted by: Badger at 08/04/08 18:52 | link | comments |

The Toilet Perils

Why is it that toilets are such perilous places to be? They are stressful and perilous. Not just this, but everyone has differing reasons for their distress, it's a minefield.

Why Toilets are Perilous:

1. What sort of moron designs a 'seat' that is the same temperature as the air around it, so that in winter you sit on it with bare skin - the equivalent of rubbing ice down your thigh.
2. What if the toilet has just been cleaned. It will have been cleaned with bleach. What if they didnt clean it properly? What if you bleach your legs or worse, your arse, or worse....
3. What if there is a funnel web spider in the toilet?
4. In certain european toilets one must squat in what is basically a toilet floor room. This is perilous for many reasons - Staining your shoes, trousers, underwear. Slipping up and having to have an ambulance come to rescue you...from a toilet...when you are covered in god knows what...and are in pain...with a broken leg.... What if the door breaks or some such? Everyone sees everything. Is it safe to touch the walls?
   
5. Poorly designed toilets have a poor spacial layout and you are forced to swiftly learn acrobatics in order to simply wipe your own arse. The Toilet to toilet roll ratio being inadequate for arm stretching is a factor in this, as is the door to toilet to leg ratio when the lock is broken. Who designs club toilets with the door 1 meter away from the toilet? They must know the lock is going to break and that drunk people walk past banging to doors, and that your only salvation is sticking your leg out...which frankly is a feat in and of itself. 'Just' being able to put one finger tip on the door is frankly not on.
   
6. Cramped toilets. Here you knock your elbows and knees on absolutely everything and probably will squirt soap in your eye at some point too. Then you come out of the toilet crying. That's a double peril. Thanks designers.
   
7. Sinks. Poorly designed sinks. Causing endless perils. Not deep enough, or too powerful a tap, or impossible to control scaulding hot taps. Generally here you end up with water all over yourself looking like either you just peed yourself, or you had a water fight, or you're a twat. Usually the last one.
   
8. Inadequate hand dryer supplying causes toilet rage. Toilet rage can come in many forms. Fear it.

Why toilets are stressful:

1. What will people think if they hear you pee? (apparently this is a huge stress factor in the toilet for some people) or worse...what if you need to poo? Will they gossip and mock you? Will you be blamed for the smell of asparagus? Will there be an office gang who hunt you down?
2. What if one of your friends goes there with you...what if they try to talk to you? What do you say? and why in gods name do people do that...who wants to have a little chat while they pass water? What if the person needed to go to the toilet to have a wank? HA! You didn't think of that did you miss chatty mc chatterson. So shut up.
   
3. Who last touched the door handle on this toilet door? What was on their hand? Can I really bring myself to get out of the toilet? Frankly I would rather climb out of the window and wash my hands in a stream.
4. People counting how long you take in the cubicle or generally yelling at you to hurry up, or shoving in front of you when you have been waiting for years for that cubicle. It's all very stressful.
   
5. What if you took too long in the toilet? What is the allowed amount of time you can spend in there? What will people say when you come out? You will inevitably be mocked.
6. Where is the fucking toilet roll????
   
7. Why is the fucking toilet roll on the floor soaked in pee???
8. The thing everyone dreads but never speaks of. You know what i'm talking about.
9. You fear the perils specified above.
10. Make up comparason. Women all at the mirror, hogging the sinks that they are not using. Hating on each other for being better at applying mascara. How in gods name do you get to a sink? or how do you avoid being hated if you are very good at applying mascara and need to top up?
    
11. What if you have a very small penis? Everyone is going to find out. Alternatively if you have a huge penis you are probably going to get beaten up.
    
12. What if you only like cubicles in the men's? Again, this leads to nothing but mocking, from both the women and the men, no one knows why, but women seem to think that all men MUST want to use a urinal, because it's SO simple...
13. Horror movies and stories are always telling you about ghosts and hands and all sorts of things that come from the toilet to get you...what if they are true?
14. Toilets are usually in a room with a mirror....I don't like mirrors...they freak me out...

posted by: Badger at 06/04/08 11:03 | link | comments |

Pensive

posted by: Badger at 04/15/08 11:48 | link | comments (1) |

What is it about that urge?

No, i'm not talking about sex your dirty minded buggers. I'm talking about that moment, the moment when your mate says something about something that you dont give a shit about...but for some reason you turn it into some personal quest to argue your ill informed point of view on the matter until you are blue in the face.



Why do we do it? we will never know.
What is the point? We may never know.
Who gives a shit? we will never know.

However, this situation always, always, ALWAYS ends the same way. So be warned.

One of you says something about something...the other one retorts with some clever response. The first one, actually caring about the issues, comes back with something else. It has begun, tic tac toe in verbal slurs. Look Politics is alright you know, look at gordon brown? they say. GORDON BROWN? WHAT A FUCKING CUNT,  POLITICS IS A LOAD OF SHITE GO FUCK YOURSELF...you say. Then you both go silent and pretend no one was really upset by the event for at least 2 hours.

 

Now in a less civilised partnership what would follow would be some personal attacks such as ...you're a dick sucking, wig wearing, pant sniffing anal leakage you fucking cock...then some oh yeas...oh yea? YEA! oh yea? YEA! OH YEA???? YEAAA!!! OH YEA? ? ? YEEEEAAAA!!!!!!!!....then possibly some shoving... ::cue two blokes thrashing about a bit::..followed by the inevitable someone actually getting hurt or something breaking or a medely of both... ::cue man smashing vase over other man's head::...then one will get enraged that something was broken and end up falling down the stairs or some such...I could go on.....



No matter which one you are a part of the end is this: Two dudes sitting next to each other in silence until one of you says either sorry or well..that was totally stupid and unnecessary wasn't it? Then you both end uplaughing and secretly thinking WTF just happened?

No one knows what just happened. Why did you do it? Why didn't you just leave your mate to say whatever they were saying about the thing they cared about instead of piping up with some controversial shite that came straight out of the tabloid side of your brain when you really dont give a shit either way? What in gods name riled you up so much ANYWAY? I mean, you don't even give a shit? Do you? DO YOU? Maybe you do...no...no.. you definitely don't... so WTF just happened?

posted by: Badger at 03/18/08 22:24 | link | comments |

posted by: Badger at 03/04/08 19:41 | link | comments |

UK Sharia Law

There are occassions when I feel someone else has worded what I want to say rather well, and this is one of those times. I present to you The Library:

www.sod-off.motime.com/1202390185#702241

So yes. Sharia Law in the UK? are we serious? Shall we just roll over and stab our freedom in the heart? Pin ourselves to a post and let a man eating shark have his way with us? Moral values are an expanding pool, morals become better and better, more advanced with each passing moment, with each new learning experience. Walking backwards is not an intelligent choice. A law completely based on a religeon followed by hatrid is not my idea of freedom, and it is not right.

The arch bishop of canterbury is obviously a completely ignorant foolish man. As a british citizen I feel my rights have been and are being impeded on quite enough thank you very much. Start removing basic freedoms and moral decency and you will have a full on war on your hands. This issue is such that should it even be considered, I for one will join the street riots.

posted by: Badger at 02/09/08 11:49 | link | comments |

Femmebots

What the hell is going on in the Lesbian world today? All this lesbian hatrid from lesbians. Today I saw a tag on gaydargirls that said 'Man dykes- do not pass go do not collect £100'. WTF is that supposed to mean? I absolutely detest this lets be straight acting, straight looking attitude. For gods sakes, the gay world has always been a realm of diversity. Where you can play with gender roles and stereotypes and smash them if you so choose. Look all girly if you like, that's fantastic, and can indeed be very sexy- but do it with some class. I mean, do it because it's you, not because it's the style of the day and you want people to like you. Do it because that's you. Whats wrong with looking manly? Are these women less womanly because of this? NO! They have pussys just like you do! 'Man Dykes'? Seriously? Has that really become a phrase? If it has then honey you need to get out of the gay world as fast as your legs can carry you. You love women? My arse you do.

posted by: Badger at 01/21/08 23:09 | link | comments (1) |

Talk shows

      

Loose women: A show with a bunch of gaggling women, so dull it may only be shown in the afternoon when any respectable intelligent person is at work and students are glued to diagnosis murder.

The Big Breakfast: Amusing...silly...but all together only tolerated as at 6am it's the only thing on TV that will allow you to eat your breakfast without swiftly losing it.

I feel a more...interesting talk show is needed. One that is diverse, funny and has that argumentative twang that makes you support one person over another. If the best selling point about things is sex, why just use men and women? No I am not advcating dogs...although that would be good. I am advocating a sexually diverse and intellectual talk show. One that hits home. One that can be mocked and loved and showcased. One that people coninue the conversations from. One with...these people:



One person from each sexual category. Gay and straight a-like, and all as sharp as knives. I love them all, they are all fabulous, and I for one would tune in time and time again. Can you imagine the debates, oh the joy. The sarcastic wit slices through each and every area, mocking and makig one think. Wonderful. How incredibly refreshing that would be.

posted by: Badger at 01/14/08 18:00 | link | comments |

Jilted

I hate the word Jilted. It's one of those stupid old fashioned words that makes you feel incredibly depressed because it has such negative connotations. It's not like the word dumped, or heart-broken...no..it's much more annoying and un-necessary than that. Jilted gives the overall impression that you are some weasly little love sick idiot, and maybe you are but frankly you dont need to be told that when you feel that way! I would much rather get slapped across the face than be told I am Jilted. I hate that fucking word.

posted by: Badger at 12/27/07 08:53 | link | comments |